Nitrous Oxide
by Quicquidlibet
Summary: If there was one thing that Edward Elric hated more than milk, it was this. One Shot. Rated T for Ed's mouth.


**A/N: MY TONGUE IS BLUE. This is why I love candy. Plus, my dog's getting the CONE OF SHAME soon! I'm so excited! Anywhoozles, the entire time I was writing this, the song "The Drowning Horse Song [Hidden Track]" by Alex Day was running through my head. I will forever associate that song with Ed, Mustang, and nitrous oxide.**

**I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST OR THE DROWNING HORSE SONG. IF I DID, ED WOULD HAVE SUNG THE DROWNING HORSE SONG AT SOME POINT.**

* * *

Edward Elric watched in utter bewilderment as his commanding officer, Colonel Roy Mustang, ordered Sergeant Kain Fuery to, and I quote, "go get the blackmail."

"Blackmail?" the young blonde asked uneasily. This couldn't be good, considering how he had no memory of doing anything incriminating in the past, well, ever. And then Kain set up the 'home-movie.'

* * *

_"Fuery, are you recording this?" Mustang's voice was crackle-y from the quality of the video camera, but the devilish grin on his face was immovable._

_"Yes sir," came a nervous laugh from behind the camera as the sergeant replied._

_"Dammit Mustang! Get that camera outta here, you bastard!" Edward yelled as the dentist took the opportunity of Ed's open mouth to give him some nitrous oxide – other wise known as laughing gas._

_"He'll be out for a bit, but when he wakes up he'll be pretty loopy. I'm guessing you were expecting that, if the camera tells me anything," the dentist chuckled._

_"Oh yeah. I can't wait til the shrimp is awake. Fuery, stop recording and save the film for when he's awake," Mustang smirked as the camera cut off._

* * *

Oh no. Oh _God_ no. This was bad. No, this wasn't just bad. This was _horrible._ Ed could not believe he had let Mustang, _MUSTANG,_ see him on wacky gas, let alone allow him to _FILM_ it. What the hell had he _said? _Worse, what did he _do?_

Roy Mustang would have to admit, the look of dread on Ed's face was absolutely hilarious. The pipsqueak was freaking out so much that he didn't even react to the short comment in the first video. Roy motioned for Fuery to pull up the next clip.

* * *

_"Oh! He's coming to!" Havoc grinned. The camera had apparently started rolling again._

_"Ugh... My head..." Ed groaned. He paused when he saw everyone – it had taken Mustang, Hawkeye, Havoc, Fuery and Al to restrain the stubborn boy before the dentist had given him the nitrous oxide. "Hi! I'm Ed. Who're you?" he asked pleasantly when he noticed them._

_"Alphonse, I'm going to need you to tell me you're brother's dental history. Would you mind helping me in the hallway?" the dentist asked. Al nodded and the dentist turned to Mustang. "Colonel Mustang, make sure he doesn't mess with the equipment."_

_"You're name is Colonel Mustang?" Ed asked with wide eyes. "Mustang like the horse? So you're Colonel Horsey? Do you think like a horse?"_

_"No. I don't," Roy laughed._

_"And you're a Colonel? Like a popcorn kernel? So you're a popcorn kernel horsey! You should make a horse statue out of popcorn kernels and name it after yourself!" Ed continued excitedly. Suddenly, something else caught his attention. "Hey lady!"_

_"Me?" Hawkeye responded, startled._

_"You're pretty. And scary. Why are you so scary, pretty lady?" Ed was silent for about three seconds before he continued without waiting for a response. "Hey Colonel Horsey, you should ask out the pretty lady. Everybody knows you like each other. Just ask her out already." At this, both Roy and Riza coughed, choking._

_"W-what?" they spluttered in shock. Havoc looked as if he were about to burst from laughter._

_"If you do I'll ask out Winry to make us even. Oh! If babies come from mommies, and kids come from goats, where do teenagers come from?" Ed asked innocently._

_"They come from wombats," Kain told him jokingly._

_"Cool!" the hyper teen exclaimed. Abruptly, he acquired a sudden fascination with his nose. "Hey Horsey, what is this and how did it get on my face?" he asked worriedly, indicating his nose. Roy smirked as he had an idea on how to screw with the boy's head._

_"That's you're wombat. His name is Carl. Everyone has one," he lied. Ed's eyes widened in shock._

_"But I don't want Carl to have a teenager!" he fretted. Then he was silent for a grand total of a whopping twelve seconds. "Hey you," his attention shifted to Havoc. He completely forgot to worry about his 'Carl' giving birth. "My mom told me that smoking gives you cancer. Do you want cancer?"_

_"No..." the smoker answered nervously._

_"Colonel Horsey! This guy wants cancer! He wants to DIE! You have to call the suicide hotline!" Ed continued, oblivious to Havoc's protests._

_This pointless, yet funny, rambling continued for quite sometime before the camera cut itself off._

* * *

Mustang smirked triumphantly at the mortified alchemist in front of him.

"I know this is blackmail. Whattaya want?" Edward sighed in defeat.

"It seems that you and your brother are going to be in town while Eastern Headquarters are being inspected. Behave yourself, and no one outside this office will see the video. Understood, runt?" Roy stated.

"I'M NOT A MINI-DWARF THAT COULD BE FOUND RIDING A CHIHUAHUA!" came the famous, loud short-rant from the tiny body.

"Well?" Mustang chuckled at his outburst. Ed grumbled for a bit before he muttered a reluctant 'fine.'

Afterward, Edward was never seen at the dentist again.

* * *

**This is the drowning horse song.**

**[Neigh...]**

**It features the drowning horse.**

**[Neigh...]**

**It is the drowning horse song.**

**[Neigh...]**

**And it hasn't got a cow in it.**

**[Moooo...]**

**Yes it does.**


End file.
